As a strong and capable woman, it is so important to maintain a good balance of give and take in your conversations. This comes down to a balance between ‘doing’ and ‘controlling’ masculine energy as compared to ‘receiving’ and ‘intuitive’ feminine energy.
Please hear me out on this before you start mumbling under your breath about stupid articles. I get that this sounds chauvinistic and like it came from a 1950’s advice column! The whole concept of masculine vs feminine actions felt that way to me too, at first. But if you indulge me an keep reading, I think you will see the sense in these concepts.
So many of us (myself included) have taught ourselves to succeed in the corporate world, to run a business and also keep our homes and multiple schedules running. Many of us have lots of plates in the air constantly, and this struggle has just become a way of life. We are also bombarded constantly with new information through social media and websites, and even that requires us to constantly feel we are staying on top of things. The constant need for juggling often leads us to adopt a ‘whatever it takes to get things done’ attitude.
Great success clearly requires a lot of determination and perseverance in the face of failure and missteps. But it’s so easy to start directing this drive toward everything we do, including our relationships. When we are perennially used to becoming a decision maker or director at work and with managing our schedule and to do list, it is so easy to go to dark side.
That dark side can involve becoming a bit of a control freak when it comes to everyday conversations. Even with people that we do not know well. We just have gotten so used to directing everything and making it happen.
I refer to this as the ‘alpha woman phenomenon’.
If the above strikes a chord for you, I recommend that you read on for some tips on keeping this tendency in check when it comes to dating:
1. Become a great listener – Many of us prefer to speak more than we listen. If this is you, work on your listening skills.
A good friend once recommended the ‘3 sentence rule’ to me. The goal was to not speak more than 3 sentences at a time during a conversation.
Listening is an incredibly valuable skill, and will serve you well in every aspect of your life. It makes you a great friend and date.
2. Let go of the urge to control.
Allow the man to make the plans for some of your dates. This doesn’t mean you need to turn into a submissive woman, but it’s ok to allow your date to lead.
Don’t chase him, but do let him chase you.
It can be a bit scary if you’re used to making all the decisions and plans in every environment you’re in. If this is the case, you especially need this time off. Many of us are caregivers and are used to doing everything. Let that tendency go for a bit.
Regarding the chasing thing, I used to believe that it was contrary to the feminist movement to give men all the power. Now I understand the physiological reasons why a man needs to pursue.
It’s ok for you to initiate a relationship and ask someone out, but after that, lean back to see if he is interested and willing to take the lead. If he’s interested, he will.
And if he’s not, trust me – in retrospect, you will regret spending the time with him and the heartache that ensues in just being with him for a short while. It’s not a recipe for the best version of you, or your best life!
3. Show that you are a strong woman. It is so easy to become hardened with all that we experience in life. Whether or not you’ve had tremendous success at work, you’ve definitely had your share of bad experiences.
We all go through stuff. Do your absolute best to let this stuff go and be in the moment on dates, and in your life in general. if you sometimes have issues keeping your emotions in check, do what you can to heal the underlying issues.
Get counseling, talk it out with friends, do yoga, exercise regularly, get sleep. Do all that you need to to be the best you that you can. In order to attract a high quality mate you need to be a high quality mate.
Work on dropping any walls that you have erected, and let the person that you are talking to in.
4. Be open to trying new things on dates. This can be scary. And I AM referring to activities in public!
It’s great to show your different dimensions, and that you are open to activities that you might not be good at. It’s not a competition, and it’s absolutely ok to lose at bowling, or archery, or whatever.
Take it as a new experience, and an interesting story for the future. Let go of the urge to only show the skills you excel at. Perfection is boring.
This is doubly so if you find out that you’re not great at the new activity. You have the chance to show yourself as a good sport. As hard as it is to smile when you’re losing, it’s a great sign of character and maturity.
For example, I really suck at bowling. My husband knows this, and in spite of being a former bowling league member, he has kindly never suggested once that we bowl together. But if he really wanted to do it, I would go. I’d be willing to at least do it once with him, and just embrace the losing. And then say never again!
5. Learn about presence and body language in meetings and for public speaking. Amy Cuddy has a great TED talk on this subject.
You can use these if you get nervous before or during dates. And they can only help with other aspects of your life where courage and confidence are assets
6. Be cautious of any behavior that might come across as one-upping. When they are talking about something they did, be mindful of letting them speak and listening.
If you think you might have this tendency, then try the following tips.
Work on not thinking of similar things that you have done and want to talk about. Or on deciding what to say next. Let them speak, and ask them questions to find out more. Let your own similar topics go.
You can bring them up later if you remember to, and it’s appropriate. Even if you forget about it, that’s ok too. In dating, it’s important to be a good listener.
You most likely don’t want someone that is interested in listening all the time. You want an equal partner right? Not just a fan club?
7. Work on bringing more balance to your life. I know that mindfulness and balance are such common topics in articles these days. But as you start to bring more balance to your life and letting certain decisions go, you WILL see a huge difference! It will feel so great to just be able to relax and let go. When you have these breaks as regular moments, you won’t feel so drawn to take vacations that allow you to escape your life.
My own personal focus has been to create a life that I don’t feel a need to escape from. And I highly recommend that for you too! If the idea of this sounds crazy, then you were definitely meant to read this article today. And if it sounds like there’s no possible way for you to achieve that balance, I promise that there is. And that I can help!
For more on this and other subjects, join me in my facebook group, Revolutionize Your Life! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1848462325443520! I post dating-related posts and videos regularly, and pop in to answer dating questions. We also have a lot of fun!
Here’s to allowing more ‘feminine’ into your life!
Amy
